It's one of those moments when you thought, "Why have I gone this way?"
I was supposed to ride a bus from EDSA after watching "Prime" (a movie which ending I truly appreciated) in Rockwell. Instead I rode a bus to Ayala and decided to take the shuttle from Landmark to Sucat. But that was not yet the deadly instead. Instead, I went to Greenbelt, despite my distaste for its crowd--both size and--
And there they were. At Starbucks, where else? Three of my former high schoolmates. They shouted my name. I heard the excitement in their voices.
What was I worried about? I was even frustrated. Why?
Because I didn't want to chat with them. Fake enthusiasm. You all know how a hoax smile hurt the jaw. Imagine the horror when it was a Saturday and you were expected to hang out till the early morn.
Why don't I want to chat with them? Because I don't like them. I don't hate them, I just don't like them.
We were not close buddies in high school and so what was there for us to talk about? That was exactly the anti-thesis they had in mind: we were not close buddies in high school, and so there was so much to talk about, know about.
"So sino ba yung mga naging cruch mo nung high school?" S. asked me with a straight face. Asked me like a grown up. The question with a tone no different with a question that goes like "May yosi ka ba diyan?" It was all casual. It was all in the distant past. Crushes were treated just as that: a crush.
Why was I hesitant to answer? In my mind, I was remembering my high school self, both in act and speech. Not in thought--I think I've always thought the same. Then I remember I was the quiet one whom everybody know has something spectacular about her. No kidding. (Sometimes, there would be a friend, or an acquaintance or two who'd say, I'd like to demystify you. As if! I always explain: you'll be disappointed, you'll find nothing further. What mystifies you is just that--the mystery.)
And so I took the easy way out, I lied. "Wala." (It's not right and wrong that are opposites, right? It's right and easy.)
As I eased myself into the site, I started to enjoy a bit. Names were digged out of oblivion, recolored. How could I have forgotten I had a friend called Hinkeyloo?
There is a number of people whom I truly love from my high school. Some of them I've envied, misesteemed, but later on I look at them with wonder and admiration. I am not yet ready for them to look at me. I would really rather do the seeing.